The Game Show
by PearlGirl
Summary: FINISHED! This story is about the Enterprise going on a game show. This story includes: severe insanity, rambling, and The Question Box of Doom
1. In which they get an invitation

(A/N-I'm trying an interesting Disclaimer. see how you like it)  
  
D on't own Star Trek  
I stole all the characters  
S ulu and Spock aren't mine  
C opied Chekov and his accent   
L et me use Kirk  
A nd his saying  
I 'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the Star Ship Enterprise  
M cCoy, I also took  
E ven more I can't count  
R eally, where would I be without Star Trek  
  
(A/N-I owe my story to two things: One, Tavia. I read her stories and  
decided I wanted to put one on Fanfiction too. Two, a random idea that  
just popped into my head one day. Well, here goes)  
Chapter 1 In which they get an invitation   
Narrator-Our story starts with the bridge crew on the bridge.  
  
Kirk-(sleeping) zzzzzzz Oh? what? I'm on? (to crew) You should have told me!   
(looks around and realizes that the rest of the crew is also asleep) Turn up  
that stupid theme song!   
  
UBP(Unidentified backstage person)-Yes sir!   
  
(Suddenly the theme song is loud enough to wake the dead)  
  
Sulu-Turn it off! That theme song is loud enough to wake the dead!  
  
(The rest of the crew has now woken up, most looking extremely  
annoyed)  
  
Spock-Seeing as the rest of the crew is now awake, keeping the song at that  
volume is unnecessary.  
  
Kirk-What? I can't hear you?  
  
(Spock pauses, looking reluctant to raise his voice.)  
  
Spock-(clearly) Captain, seeing as the rest of the crew is now awake,  
keeping the song at the current volume is unnecessary.  
  
Kirk-I still can't hear you! Speak louder!  
  
(Spock pauses, and the rest of the bridge crew gets tired of the  
screechy music)  
  
All except Spock and Kirk-(shouting with their fingers stuffed in there ears)  
Shut the music off!  
  
Kirk-I still can't hear you. Better shut the music off.  
  
(The music ends abruptly. Everyone turns to look at Kirk, who  
reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tape recorder. He hits the play  
button)   
  
Kirk's voice from the recorder-Space: the final frontier. These are the  
voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its 5-year mission: to explore  
strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go  
where no man has gone before!  
  
Sulu-What's with the recorder?  
  
Kirk-(looking astonished)You don't think I'm going to memorize that whole  
long speech do you?  
  
Sulu-Wellllll.......  
  
Kirk-That reminds me! I forgot to bring my script! Uhura, project my lines unto  
the view screen please.   
  
Some strange symbols appear on the screen that look something like this:  
  
sdf sgfsd gs;oie dpc ;asd/ alkd dkfj;ls sdlfj xcz. awo  
xcmnzx cxz x pew ;vk  
alpw. ape .v xpz.  
  
Kirk-ummm, Uhura what's that?  
  
Uhura-The Romulans seemed to have messed with your script, sir.  
  
Kirk-Too bad. I guess I'll just have to make it up as I go along, just like I  
usually do. (sounding official) Captain's log, Star date............ um, what's  
the star date? Anyone?  
  
Everyone looked at him cluelessly. Then Spock gave it a try.  
  
Spock-I believe the Captain selects a series of contingent integers.  
  
Kirk-So, I make it up at random.  
  
Spock-Essentially.  
  
Kirk-Captain's log star date 2390. Nothing of interest whatsoever has come up.  
We are currently sitting in space waiting for something interesting to  
happen.  
  
Uhura-(As soon as he finished talking)We have a incoming message   
from Beta Tarticulom.  
  
Kirk-Where the heck is that?  
  
Uhura-Like I know! Anyway, it's a-  
  
(Just is she was about to say what it is, McCoy, sensing something  
resembling a plot happening on the bridge, decides it is time for a visit)  
  
McCoy-So, what's happenin' up here?  
  
Kirk-Bones, don't you have patients to attend to?  
  
McCoy-Nothing more important then being up here.  
  
Kirk-Nothing's happening up here.  
  
McCoy-Come on Jim, I'm a doctor not an idiot. I can sense when something's  
going to happen.  
  
Uhura-(looking impatient) Ahem! Might I continue?  
  
Kirk-What?  
  
Uhura-(loudly and importantly)It's an invitation to play The Gameshow of  
Terror. Oh wait, that's crossed out. It's an invitation to play Who Wants To  
Be A Millionaire In 2390.  
  
Chekov-I vant to be a millionaire!  
  
Kirk-Who doesn't? Where is it happening?  
  
Uhura-Beta Tarticulom in a half hour.  
  
Kirk-Great! Just in time! Everyone who wants to be a millionaire, follow me to  
the transporters.  
  
Narrator-As I'm sure you now, everyone on the bridge beamed down to the  
planet. Even Spock found an excuse to come.  
  
Kirk-(to everybody in general) So, where do we go?  
  
Spock-Captain, perhaps it would be wise to follow the sign and arrow that says,  
"Anyone who wants to be a millionaire, follow the arrow".  
  
(They look and see a sign and arrow that says, Anyone who wants to be a  
millionaire, follow the arrow.)  
  
Kirk-Ha! That's just them trying to trick us! They're lying.  
  
(They look at the sign again and see that there is fine print that says, And  
no, we're not lying.)  
  
McCoy-Wow! They thought of everything.  
  
Narrator- Hey! You've been getting rid of all my lines and making them in  
parentheses! This is a plot! How dare you! I'm the narrator, remember?  
I'm the one who says The End. I could make your story end right now if I  
wanted to.  
  
Kirk-Come on, be quiet. I want to see what this game show is about.  
  
McCoy-You should already know. It's in the script.  
  
Kirk-Come on! You know I don't read the script.  
  
McCoy-(relieved) Good! I'm not the only one.  
  
Narrator-How dare you ignore me! Ha! Ignore this!  
  
The End  
  
Kirk-We can ignore that if we want to.  
  
Narrator-No you can't! If you do, the story will make no sense!  
  
Spock- I believe I am correct in saying the story has never made any logical sense.  
  
McCoy-Well Spock, that's the first thing you've said all day that I can agree with.  
  
Spock-(with raised eyebrows)Doctor-  
  
Chekov-(interrupting)Vell, I don't know about anyvone else, but I'm going to get  
avay from this narrator and follow the sign to the Game Show.  
  
Kirk-What Game Show?  
  
(The rest of the party drag Kirk off, leaving the narrator ranting)  
  
Narrator-(ranting) You haven't seen the last of me yet! I'll be back to ruin this  
story if it's the last thing I do!  
(Hope you liked it R/R!!!!) 


	2. Of questions and Fortune Cookies

Chapter two. Of questions and Fortune Cookies  
  
  
(They finally get to a building marked, Go in here for the Game Show)  
  
Sulu-I guess we're supposed to go in here for the Game Show.  
  
(They all enter the building. They come right onto a huge stage. There are  
six chairs on the stage. Kirk looks out at the audience, which is clapping,  
and starts bowing)  
  
Kirk-Thank you, thank you. Really too much. Please sit-  
  
McCoy-(grabs Kirk's arm and points) They're clapping at him!  
  
(McCoy is pointing to an announcer who just popped onto the stage)  
  
Announcer-And now, our game show host, Jaaaaaames Shorten!  
  
James Shorten-(walks onto stage) So! Hello audience!(Cups hand to ear)  
  
Audience-Hello James Shorten!  
  
James Shorten-I can't heeeeeeear you!  
  
Audience-HELLO JAMES SHORTEN!  
  
James Shorten-You can be louder then that!  
  
Audience-(screaming)HELLO JAMES SHORTEN!  
  
James Shorten- What's that you sa-(interrupted by unidentified person  
backstage)  
  
UPB-James, I think that's enough. Look, the audience looks like they're going to  
explode. They also look very angry.  
  
(James looks back at the audience and sees that the audience looks like it's  
about to explode. It also look very angry)  
  
James Shorten-Heh! Heh! Anyway, may I introduce the crew of the Epterprice!  
  
(The crew steps forward. Kirk frowns. He hated it when people  
pronounced the ship's name wrong!)  
  
James Shorten-Yohura!(Uhura decides to let the wrong pronunciation pass,  
curtseys, and sits down in one of the chairs. Kirk starts bowing again)  
  
McCoy-(whispers) Jim! they're not applauding you!  
  
James Shorten-Solo!(Sulu looks annoyed, but simply sits down next to  
Uhura)   
  
Kirk-Thank you, thank you.(McCoy nudges him in the ribs)   
  
James Shorten-Checkoff!(Chekov sits down next to Sulu, muttering Russian  
under his breath. McCoy glares at Kirk to make sure he doesn't think it's  
him the audience is applauding. Kirk sees McCoy's glare and looks  
annoyed)  
  
Kirk-(whining)When are they going to start applauding for me?  
  
James Shorten-Sock!(Spock blinks and then looks at McCoy, who is laughing and  
pointing at the chair. Even Kirk was laughing to hard to start bowing)  
  
McCoy-Well, Sock, take a seat.(The Vulcan does, trying to look as dignified as  
possible)  
  
James Shorten-McCaw!(McCoy stops laughing immediately and takes a seat  
stiffly. Kirk is still laughing) Annnd Captain Quirk!(Kirk stops laughing  
and is to flustered to bow. He just sits down)  
  
Kirk-(muttering) How dare he! I'm a Starfleet Captain! He can't do that!  
  
(Suddenly Kirk's attention is drawn to 2 blond girls who have  
entered the stage)  
  
James Shorten-And now my lovely helpers, Lucille and Camille, will help me ask  
the questions and explain the rules.  
  
Lucille-(in a high perky voice) The rules are as follows:  
  
Camille-(in a identical high perky voice) All of the crew will take turns  
drawing a question out of the Question Box of Doom.(Lightning  
flashes and Camille pulls out a black box)  
  
UBP-Duh! Duh! Duh! Woah!(Crash) Owwww! Help! Help!   
  
(The UBP falls unto the stage rapped tightly in a lamp cord. He almost falls  
into Camille, who runs screaming to the other end of the stage)  
  
Kirk-(dramatically)I will save you!  
  
(Kirk gets up and goes over to the person stuck in the cord. He trips over  
the cord and starts thrashing around, only managing to get even more  
stuck)  
  
Kirk-Bones! Help!  
  
McCoy-(grumpy) All right, all right! (He goes backstage and unplugs the lamp.  
After that it is quite easy to get them untangled)  
  
Camille- You saved that UBP, McCaw!  
  
(McCoy looks pleased, until he hears how she addressed him. Then he  
turns red)  
  
Kirk-Hey look at this!  
  
(Kirk holds up a piece of paper that was tied around the phone cord)  
  
Kirk-(Reading the paper) You haven't seen the last of me! I will wreak destruction  
on this play if it's the last thing I do! Muahahahahaha! Sighed, The  
Narrator of Vile Evilness.  
  
Chekov-I alvays knew he had something wrong vith his head.  
  
James Shorten-Cool! The people who I'm asking questions to have a evil narrator  
after them. This will look good on the headline.  
  
Lucille- Can we get started? I have a make-up appointment.  
  
Uhura-(sarcastically) You certainly wouldn't want to miss that.  
  
James Shorten-So, lets get started. Camille, pick somebody to draw from the  
Question Box of Doom.  
  
Sulu-Wait! We don't know how to play yet!  
  
James Shorten-I don't know how either. This is my first time.  
  
Spock-It is illogical that you, the Game Show manager, do not know how to play  
your own game.  
  
McCoy-(airily)Well, things aren't always logical, are they?(He was still annoyed at  
having his name being mistaken for a bird)  
  
Spock-That statement is illogical.  
  
Camille-(loudly)I'm going to pick somebody now!  
  
James Shorten-Wait! I know one more thing! The topic is the TV show Star Trek,  
the original series.  
(A/N I was going to add because it's so much better then the Next  
Generation, but decided against it)  
  
Chekov-That sounds vaguely familiar.  
  
Sulu-zzzzzzz, What? Is it going to start.  
  
Camille-(loudly and impatiently)The person who is going to pick the first  
question isssssssss........(the audience is silent)  
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss(takes a breath) issssssssssssssss  
  
Some One In The Audience Whose Name We Forgot-Somebody hit her!  
  
(Camille stops, looking insulted then began walking towards the chairs.  
Kirk smiles as she comes near to him. Then she walks past him and holds  
out the box to McCoy, smiling. McCoy blinks, then reaches his hand into  
the box)  
  
UBP-Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick-(McCoy draws out a piece of paper and hands it to  
James, who looks at it blankly)  
  
McCoy-You're supposed to read it.  
  
James Shorten-Ahhh.(reading) In the TV show, Star Trek the original, what is the  
statement that the Science Officer says most often:  
A)We're going to die. B)The air is breathable.  
C)That is illogical.D)Pigs can fly!  
  
(Pause)  
  
McCoy- Is the Science officer a Vulcan?  
  
James Shorten-Sorry, I'm not allowed to say anything, besides, I never watched  
the show.   
  
Spock-It would be illogical to assume that the most commonly spoken statement  
is "pigs can fly".  
  
(McCoy stared at Spock. If he hadn't know better, he would have  
thought Spock was joking)  
  
Sulu-Do we get any hints?  
  
James Shorten-Not from me, I don't even know the right answer. It's not circled.  
  
Spock-That is illogical.  
  
James Shorten-Is that your final answer?  
  
Kirk-What?  
  
James Shorten-Glad it is. Now I just have to find out if you're right.  
  
(While James is wondering how to find out the right answer, McCoy leans  
towards Spock)  
  
McCoy-(Whispering)Why did you guess that?  
  
Spock-I did not guess that, Doctor. I was merely saying it was illogical not to  
know the right answer if you are the host of a Game Show.   
  
Uhura-(to James) I have an idea. You can use my magic 8 ball. Just ask it if C is  
the right answer.  
  
James Shorten-(shrugs)It's the best thing we have.  
  
Kirk-(whispers to Uhura)That looks a lot like the 8 ball I gave you because it  
broke and says the same answer every time.  
  
Uhura-(smiling, and pretending to be puzzled) It must be a coincidence, Captain.  
  
Kirk-Right....  
  
(James shakes the 8 ball)  
  
James Shorten-Is C the right answer?(Stops shaking and looks at the ball)It says  
yes.  
  
All but Spock-Whoopee!  
  
Spock-(with raised eyebrows)This is assuredly the most illogical human passtime  
I have encountered thus far.  
  
McCoy-(grinning)Don't worry, Spock. I've seen ones that are much worse.   
  
James Shorten-Camille, please pick the person to draw again. And by the way,  
that was a 100 point question. We have the 200, 300, 400, and 500 dollar  
questions left. And then, lastly, we have the 1,000 dollar question. Oh, just  
a little thing I might want to mention, if you get a question wrong, you get  
the points subtracted from your total.  
  
Chekov-I thought you said you didn't know anything about this game!  
  
James Shorten-I'm just making it up.  
  
Kirk-I do that a lot. Like my lines for example. I probably don't have this sentence  
in the script, but I'm saying it anyway.  
  
McCoy-Shhhhh!  
  
(Camille walks over to Kirk, who smiles and puts his hand into the box. He  
picks one and hands the slip to James)  
  
James Shorten-(reading) Where does the Starship Captain, in the TV show die?  
  
A)In a Klingon ShipB)Under a bridge  
C)At home, surrounded by D)In a hospital bed  
his friends and family  
  
Kirk-Ohhh! Ohhh! I can do this one!  
  
McCoy-How? It's kind of hard to know the answer to a question about a TV show  
you've never seen.   
  
Kirk-I'm going to get rid of all the answers that don't make sense.  
  
Spock-I believe the correct term for that is the process of elimination.  
  
Kirk-Yah, yah, whatever. First, scratch off C.  
  
Sulu-Why?  
  
Kirk-Come on! Whoever heard of a Starship Captain dying happily with last  
words like "My life has been wonderful." That's not how our author's mind  
works. It's much more likely they'd die in the place no one expects them  
to. Seriously, if they make him die happy, it wouldn't be dramatic. They  
always quote Captains by saying what his final words were. And  
furthermore...  
  
Sulu-OK, I get it.  
  
Kirk-(apologetically) Sorry. I'm just really worried what my last words will be. I  
mean, what if I die saying "I really like pink jelly beans"? How would it  
sound if they said Captain Kirk's final words were "I really like pink jelly  
beans"? Then my funeral would be a laughing stock.  
  
McCoy-(smiling) Not if you died here. Then they'd say Captain Quirk.  
  
Kirk-They'd also say Doctor McCaw.(McCoy stops smiling)  
  
Uhura-If you're so concerned about your final words, why don't you just pick out  
something philosophical to say, and walk around saying that for the rest of  
your life?  
  
Kirk-(brightly) That's a great idea! What's something philosophical I could say?  
Bones?  
  
McCoy-Don't look at me. I'm a doctor, not a philosopher.  
  
Chekov- Here's a proverb I heard once: Mean vat you say, and say vat you mean.  
  
All but Spock-Huh?  
  
Chekov-That was my reaction.  
  
Sulu-Aren't say what you mean and mean what you say the same thing?  
  
McCoy-Here's one I heard somewhere: Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.  
  
Kirk-Too Klingon.  
  
McCoy-No wonder it doesn't make much sense.  
  
Spock-Doctor, the meaning is simple. It means that-(Kirk interrupts)  
  
Kirk-I got one! How's this? (strikes a courageous pose) I regret that I have but  
one life to give to Starfleet, but I hope the one I had was meaningful.  
  
McCoy-That's a downer.  
  
Spock-I do not understand how a proverb could be a- a downer?  
  
McCoy-You wouldn't.  
  
Chekov-I just remembered! Ve're supposed to be answering a question.   
  
McCoy-What question? Oh yah. Jim, you were using the process of elimination.  
  
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life to give to Starfleet..(McCoy interrupts)  
  
McCoy-Jim! Come on, nobody's going to be killing anyone right now.  
  
(Suddenly, Sulu falls out off his chair, groaning and clutching his heart)  
  
Kirk-See! See! It could happen!  
  
McCoy-Sulu, are you all right?  
  
Sulu-(moaning)I'm dyyyying.  
  
Uhura-Really?  
  
Sulu-No. (sits up in his chair again)  
  
Kirk-That wasn't funny.  
  
Sulu-(smugly)Maybe not to you.  
  
Chekov-Let's get back to the question. Our host and about half the audience has  
fallen asleep.  
  
McCoy-Yes. Jim, please continue.  
  
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life-(McCoy interrupts)  
  
McCoy-You have lastwordsophobia, Jim.  
  
Uhura-What's that?  
  
McCoy-When you're afraid of your last words, and are worried that you'll say  
something stupid.  
  
(A/N Can we pleeeeeease get back to the plot? And don't say what plot)  
  
Sulu-What plo- oh, never mind.  
  
McCoy-(with a business sounding voice) All right. We know it's not C, which in  
case you had forgotten, is surrounded by your family. (Everyone had  
forgotten) It's probably not D either, which is in a hospital. Now we have  
A, on a Klingon ship, and B, Under a bridge. Jim?  
  
Kirk-I regret that I have but one life-(McCoy interrupts yet again)  
  
McCoy-So, since Jim said before that the authors always make people die in weird  
places, I think we should go for B. I mean seriously, whoever heard of  
dying under a bridge?  
  
Kirk-I certainly wouldn't want to die under a bridge.  
  
Sulu- What happened to the I regret thing?  
  
Kirk-Oh! I mean I regret that I have but one life-(This time Chekov interrupts)  
  
Chekov-(To Sulu) Vhy'd you haff to get him started again?  
  
Sulu-Sorry.  
  
Spock-(Is fed up with the way the plot is fading from this story) James? We have  
made our answer selection.  
  
James Shorten-zzzzzzzz- What? Oh yah! What do you guess.  
  
McCoy-I guess B.  
  
James Shorten-(shaking magic 8 ball) Is B the right answer?  
  
Lucille-(peers over James's shoulder)It says yes!  
  
All but Spock-Whoopee!  
  
Kirk-Oh, I mean, I regret that I have but one life-(James interrupts)  
  
James Shorten-Sorry, we don't have time for speeches. Now time for the 300  
dollar question. Camille, please get somebody to pick a question.  
  
(Camille walks to Chekov and holds the box out to him. Chekov reaches his  
hand in and pulls out a slip of paper, which he hands to James)  
  
James Shorten-(Reading) From what species did the proverb, "Revenge is a dish  
that is best served cold" come from?  
A) RomulansB) Vulcans  
C) HumansD)Klingons  
  
Kirk-(Forgetting about his little philosophical speech) Hey! Bones talked about  
that!  
  
McCoy-Yes, but I didn't know what species it came from. You were the one who  
said it sounded Klingon. You know, all about honor and revenge. Spock, do  
you know anything about revenge proverbs?  
  
Spock-I believe that Captain Kirk is right. It does sound like a Klingon saying. It is  
most certainly not a Vulcan proverb. (McCoy tries to detect emotion in  
that statement, but if there was any, Spock hid it well.) It is also probable  
that it is Romulan. Even C is a possible answer.  
  
McCoy-C? What's that? Is that humans! (mad) It's humans, isn't it! Now see here  
you Vulcan! Humans aren't all crazy about revenge! The only thing we have is  
emotions, which are perfectly fine!  
  
Spock- Doctor, your last statement could be debated.   
  
McCoy- Why you green-blooded, inhuman, pointy-eared menace!  
  
Spock-I see nothing wrong with being inhuman, though I, unfortunately am not.  
  
(Although Kirk would love to see who finally won this debate, he figured it  
would only end with severe mutilation on one or both of the participants.  
He figured he'd better be a peace-maker if he wanted someone to help him  
with the last Game Show questions)  
  
McCoy-Why you-(Kirk interrupts)  
  
Kirk-My, my. Brawling again, are we? I think that we should go with Klingon,  
because I said so. Any objections?  
  
(Spock and McCoy turn and look at Kirk. Spock's eyebrows are raised and  
McCoy looks like he wants to say something more, this time to Kirk, but  
decides against it)  
  
James Shorten-So, you answered D?(Shakes 8 ball) Is the answer D?(reads) It  
says yes!  
  
Everybody but Spock-Whoopee!  
  
James Shorten-Camille could you-  
  
(Camille walks towards Spock and holds out the box to him. When he  
draws out his hand, it's empty)  
  
Spock-I believe, Captain, that the box has no more questions left.  
  
Camille-(holds box upside down) He's right!  
  
Sulu-(pouting) But I didn't get a turn!  
  
James Shorten-(worried) Oh! I just remembered, Spots ate the rest last night!  
  
Uhura-Spots? Is that your dog?  
  
James Shorten-(sounds distracted)What? No, of course not. Spots is the name of  
my insurance salesman.  
  
Uhura-Uh.........OK.  
  
James Shorten-We'll just have to skip to the 1,000 dollar question.   
  
Kirk-I thought that you didn't have any questions.  
  
James Shorten-I get to make up the last question.  
  
Spock-I believe you misspoke. Wouldn't the correct term be the 1 million dollar  
question, seeing as the name of this Game Show is Who wants to be a  
Millionaire?  
  
Lucille-Well, we had to make some cuts in the budget. We changed it and hoped  
you wouldn't notice.  
  
McCoy-Spock always notices.  
  
James Shorten-The question is: If it just so happened that I was Q in disguise,  
and this was all a scam to humiliate you, what would be your reaction:  
A) Bow down before himB)Boldly face certain death.  
and offer tribute.  
  
C)Run away, cowardly.D)Stare in surprised shock.  
  
(Pause)  
  
(During the pause, James Shorten starts to transform. In a matter of  
seconds, he is Q. The audience, and to Kirk's dismay, Lucille and Camille  
fad away.)  
  
Uhura-(Timidly) Are those the only choices?  
  
Kirk-I choose E: Telling Scotty to beam us up NOW!(Flips open  
communicator) Scotty! Beam us up!   
  
(The annoying sparkles cover the landing party)  
  
James Shorten Q-Wait! Come back! I'm not finished yet Kirk!  
(Q waves his hand and the sparkles disappear)  
  
Chekov-Huh? Vat happened?  
  
Kirk-(Annoyed) Scotty, I said beam us up!  
  
Scotty's voice-(From communicator)The transporters malfunctioned Cap'n. I'll  
have to fix it afore ye can beam up.  
  
Q-(Laughs)Remember Kirk, I am all powerful. You can not escape!  
Muahahahahahahahahaha...cough cough.. ahem.  
  
Kirk-What are you going to do.  
  
Q-I've decided to humiliate you.  
  
McCoy-Spock doesn't have emotions, remember? You can't humiliate him.  
  
Q-(frowns)Hmmmmmm.. (brightens up) He still has his dignity.(Grins evilly)  
Not for long, though.  
  
(Q hands each of the members of the crew a fortune cookie)  
  
Chekov-I don't like Japanese food.  
  
Sulu-(Indignantly)Fortune Cookies are Chinese.  
  
McCoy-Actually I think they're American. Isn't that weird? You get Chinese  
Fortune Cookies with a Made In USA tag on it.  
  
Sulu-(To Q) Are they authentic Chinese Fortune Cookies?  
  
Q-Actually, they're Vulcan Fortune Cookies. (Spock's eyebrows raise)  
  
McCoy- (smiling) Really?  
  
Q-Of course not, you fools! They're just Fortune Cookies! Why does it matter  
where they're from?!  
  
Spock-Humans sometimes find unusual topics interesting for conversation.  
  
McCoy-Oh sure, side with him. You're just mad at the thought of there being  
Vulcan Fortune Cookies.  
  
Kirk-My fortune had better be: You will miraculously find a way to get away  
from an insanely powerful alien.  
  
McCoy- It's more likely to say: You will see two blondes coming towards you with  
names like Marissa and Melissa.  
  
Q-Just open them! Wait, before you do I just want to explain what the papers  
inside will mean.  
  
Uhura-Wouldn't they be our fortunes?  
  
Q-(Smiles evilly)In a way they are. On that piece of paper is the thing you will  
have to do for 1 week. Don't worry, I made them all embarrassing, and I'll  
be recording the whole thing.  
  
Kirk-Ha! Nothing can embarrass me! I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the  
USS Enterprise! My mission is to explore strange new-(Q interrupts)  
  
Q-We'll just see about that.  
  
(As the crew members open their Fortune Cookies and read the slip of  
paper, each has a different expression. Sulu blinks rapidly. Uhura says "I  
am not doing this!" Chekov starts laughing. Spock's eyebrows disappear  
above his hair line. McCoy turns red, and there is a vein just above his eye  
that was twitching. Kirk is furious.)  
  
Uhura-I am not doing this!  
  
Kirk-How dare you! I'm Captain James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS  
Enterprise-(Q interrupts)  
  
Q-Have fun! See you next week!(Starts laughing maniacally)  
  
(Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu are beamed into the bridge)  
  
Kirk-Scotty, are the transporters working?   
  
Scotty's voice-Aye, Cap'n. As soon as they started working, I beamed you up. By  
the way, how was the Game Show?  
  
Kirk-Don't ask. I'm going to bed.  
  
(A/N-Hope you liked it. And as always, Review, Review, Review. If nobody reviews, I think everyone thinks my stories are wierd. Well, then again, I suppose they are) 


	3. And you thought it couldn't get any weir...

(A/N-This chapter is a bit.....*interesting*)  
  
Day 1  
  
(Kirk enters the bridge. He is just in time to hear Uhura having an angry  
conversation with somebody)  
  
Uhura-(Into the communicator) No Admiral, I will not put you through to Kirk.  
He's too busy.  
  
Kirk-I'm not too busy to hear from Starfleet.  
  
Uhura-(angrily) Yes you are! You can't talk to them. Admiral, Captain Kirk   
doesn't feel like talking to you. (pause) Hah! I bet it's not urgent.  
(pause) Klingons you say! Hah! (pause) Good-bye to you too. (pause) And  
your mother is an insane monkey!  
  
(Chekov bursts out laughing)  
  
Kirk-What's so funny?  
  
Chekov-(Shaking with laughter) Insane...monkey..Ha, ha,(Erupts into a laughing  
spasm)  
  
Kirk-Ah, Chekov? Maybe you should go see....(As if he is telepathic, McCoy enters  
the bridge)....Doctor McCoy.  
  
Spock-I doubt that is necessary. Humans tend to overreact frequently.  
  
McCoy-(Totally serious)I agree.  
  
Spock-(Raises eyebrow)I believe that is more of your sarcasm, Doctor?  
  
McCoy-Of course not, humans overreact. Spock's right.   
  
Kirk-(Thinking)McCoy's agreeing with Spock? About humans even? Wow, Q can  
work miracles.  
  
  
Day 2  
  
Spock-We are entering a neutral zone.  
  
Kirk-(Urgent) What? Why didn't you tell me! Chekov, get us out of here! Warp 9!  
  
Chekov-Warp.....9? Waaarp..Ha! Ha! (Starts laughing)  
  
Kirk-Oookay. Sulu than. Get us out of here, Warp 9!  
  
Sulu-(Sits up in his chair and points at the ceiling) Look! It's a bird, it's a plane,  
no it's not! It's Super Sulu! (Stands on his chair and holds out his arms like  
he's flying.)  
  
Kirk-OK, Spock! I trust you know how to work Warp drive?  
  
Spock-I have known since my first ensign training in-(Kirk interrupts)  
  
Kirk-Just do it!  
  
(They leave the neutral zone)  
  
Day 3  
  
(They are in space. Kirk is counting down the days. He can't wait till he has  
a normal crew again)  
  
Kirk-I'm counting down the days. I can't wait till I have a normal crew again.  
  
Uhura-I am normal!  
  
McCoy-(Sensing something embarrassing is going to happen, enters bridge)  
Anyone up for some Chinese food?(Holds out a tray)  
  
Kirk-No thank you! I've had quite enough of fortune cookies for a long while!  
  
McCoy-How about fried chicken? (Holds up tray)  
  
(Spock's eyes suddenly glaze over. He steps into the front of the room and  
stands on one foot)  
  
Spock-(Singing) I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is  
my spout. When I get all stemmed up here me SHOUT! Tip me over and  
pour me out.  
  
McCoy-(Laughing) Well, this is a surprise.   
  
Spock-(Eyes return to normal)Doctor, there is nothing amusing about me singing a human children's song, while doing the dance routine.  
  
McCoy-Oh, of course it's not amusing.(Stops laughing)  
  
(If Spock wasn't Spock, he probably would have used his power over  
McCoy. But Spock being Spock, decided to except this as a unusual change  
of attitude, which wasn't expected to last long)  
  
Day 4  
  
(Kirk enters bridge. Uhura is talking into the communicator again. Sulu is  
wearing a new green cape with SS on it)  
  
Uhura-(pause) Ha! You think you can destroy us! You just wait! We'll get you.  
(pause) No, you can't talk to the Captain. (pause) I don't care if it's our  
last chance for mercy. (pause) Klingons must be stupid, and deaf! I told  
you, Captain Kirk doesn't want to-  
  
(Kirk looks at Spock and nudges his head to Uhura. Spock understands  
and goes over to Uhura. He removes the communicator from her.)  
  
Uhura-Hey! That's my cool ear piece. You can't have it!  
  
Kirk-Chekov, put the message on main screen.  
  
Chekov-Main.....screen? Mai....n..(Starts laughing hysterically)  
  
Kirk- Never mind,. Sulu.. Sulu? (Sulu is looking around to see who Kirk is talking  
to. Kirk sighs.) I mean Super Sulu.  
  
Sulu-Yes?  
  
Kirk-Put it on main screen.  
  
(The main screen is on and it shows a very angry Klingon)  
  
AK(Angry Klingon)-Kirk! How dare you! I have changed my mind, I will give you  
no mercy!  
  
Sulu-Don't worry Captain, Super Sulu will save you! (Sulu runs to the turbolift  
and the doors close)  
  
Kirk-(Under his breath) Stupid! (In communicator) Scotty, where are you?  
  
Scotty-In the transporter room sir.  
  
Kirk-Good! Make sure Sulu does not leave by the transporters, all right?  
  
Scotty-(Sounds confused) Aye, I got you sir.  
  
AK-Enough of this. I will annihilate you.  
  
Kirk-Ahhh! No, please give us mercy! I'll do anything.  
  
AK-Huh? Are you Captain Kirk?  
  
Spock-Indeed, he-(Kirk interrupts)  
  
Kirk-Of course I'm not Kirk. I'm so sorry, you seem to have gotten the wrong  
ship.  
  
AK-Oh. That's to bad. I wanted revenge on him.  
  
Kirk-Well I think I saw his ship going to the Delta Quadrent.  
  
AK-OK. Thanks for your help.  
  
Kirk-It was nothing.  
  
(The main screen goes blank and they see a Klingon Bird of Prey  
heading away from them)  
  
Kirk-(signs) Phew, that was close.  
  
Chekov-Why'd you do that, Captain? I thought you loved fighting Klingons.  
  
Spock-It is not incredibly eccentric. Humans are inclined to adjust their preferred  
occupation periodically.  
  
McCoy-I totally agree with..... what ever you said.  
  
Uhura-Computer, Please translate Mister Spock's words into English.  
  
Computer-(pleasantly)Mister Spock's words are already in English. But I can-  
  
Uhura-I mean, translate them into slang, understandable words by people with  
almost no vocabulary.  
  
Computer-(Too pleasantly)Mister Spock's words translated are:(In Spock's  
voice) That is not unusual. Humans tend to change interests a lot.  
  
Kirk-There you go, Spock! You're finally making sense.  
  
Spock-I believe that was the computer talking, Captain.  
  
Kirk-Of course, Mister Spock. I was just pretending that there was hope for  
you. (Spock raises an eyebrow)  
  
Kirk-Oh, I forgot. (Opens communicator) Scotty, did you stop Sulu from beaming  
aboard the ship?  
  
Scotty-Well Cap'n, I didn't need to.  
  
Kirk-Why?  
  
Scotty-He came into the room, running hard with his arms outstretched. Then he  
jumped off the steps into the Transporter room and yelled something like  
"Up up and away". Then he fell hard on his stomach, and got knocked out.  
(Kirk is laughing) Cap'n?  
  
Kirk-Ahem, Cough cough. I'm fine, continue please.  
  
Scotty-He just revived a few minutes ago. I sent him back to the bridge. Is that  
OK, Cap'n?  
  
Kirk-You did fine, Scotty. (Just as he finishes, Sulu enters the room. He is looking  
annoyed. He sits in his chair)  
  
Sulu-Hmph. Wouldn't even let me help. I could beat those Klingons. After all,  
I'm Super Sulu!  
  
Kirk-Chekov, lay in a course for-(Chekov is laughing)What is it?  
  
Chekov-(Laughing)The..Ha! Ha! Computer.... wa...wa...was talking!  
  
Kirk-Sooooo.....?  
  
(But Chekov was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair)  
  
Kirk-You know what, never mind. Sul- Super Sulu. Will you lay in a course for as  
far from those Klingons as we can get?  
  
Sulu-Course Asfarfromthoseklingonsaswecanget set in Captain.  
  
Kirk-Good.  
  
Day 5  
  
(Kirk is getting very edgy. He just wants a normal crew. If he hears Chekov  
laugh one more time, he's going to go insane. Kirk is in the turbolif to the  
bridge. He hears Uhura yelling angrily. He figures he'd better get to the  
bridge as soon as possible, and stop the person on the other end of the line  
from being insulted)  
  
Uhura-(As Kirk enters the bridge) You want to talk to "Your little Jimmy"? I'm  
sorry, we have no "little Jimmy" on this ship. (Pause) You want to talk to  
the Captain? Sorry, only special personnel can talk to James T. Kirk,  
Captain of the USS Enterprise. (Pause) Who said that? He did of  
course! (Pause) You say you're his mother? Hah! (Pause) You really are,  
you say? Do you have DNA evidence? Can you tell me personal  
information about him? (Pause)  
  
Kirk-Uhura! Give it to me!(Makes a swipe for the communicator, and misses) I  
want to talk to her!  
  
Uhura-(To Kirk) No, You're much to busy!  
  
Kirk-(Thinking) OK, I don't want to talk to my mom.  
  
Uhura-Well, you have to. If she wants to talk to you, then you talk to her. (Uhura  
forces the communicator at Kirk. Kirk smiles and takes it)   
  
Kirk-Mother? Mother?  
  
Communicator voice-Click. Beeeeeeeep! (Too friendly) I'm sorry, your caller has  
hung up.   
  
Kirk-Great, just great.  
  
(Chekov starts laughing. Kirk's face goes red. He looks like he's going to  
blow up)  
  
Kirk-Al right! I give up!  
  
(Q appears. He is holding a notepad and pen. He's also laughing)  
  
Q-(Laughing) This is hilarious! I copied this hold thing down. I'm going to give it  
to some author to publish. More embarrassment!  
  
Kirk-get off my ship!  
  
Q-Al right, you can stay like this if you want.  
  
Kirk-No wait! Turn us back to normal.  
  
Q-Why should I? I just came to laugh at you. You still have 2 more days to go.  
  
Kirk-Because...Because....Because if you don't, I'll get the Narrator of Vile Evilness to say you got eaten by a space slug.  
  
Q-No! Not the Narrator of Vile Evilness!  
  
Narrator-(Comes out from back stage)I could do that?  
  
Kirk-I think. Yah. If you say he's getting eaten by a space slug, then someone from  
backstage will have to get in a space slug costume and pretend to eat him.  
  
Narrator-I never knew I had all this power before. (Smiles evilly) All right, turn  
them back or you'll get eaten by a space slug. Buuuuut...(Looks at Kirk)  
Then you have to write a story about me.  
  
Kirk-Anything!  
  
Q-Hummmph! (Snaps fingers. McCoy appears on the bridge. Snaps fingers again.  
Kirk sighs. Everything is normal again. Uhura looks about surprised.  
McCoy looks really annoyed. Spock looks like he always does. Sulu is  
looking at his Super Sulu cape with amazement. Chekov starts laughing.  
Everyone stares at him)  
  
Chekov-What?  
  
Kirk-Do me a favor. Never laugh again, OK?(Chekov looks surprised)  
  
Q-Wait! Before I go, I want to say what everybody had to do. As I'm sure you  
guessed, Spock had to sing every time somebody said "chicken". McCoy  
had to always agree with Spock. Sulu thought he was a super hero. Uhura  
had to disagree with everybody. Chekov thought everything was funny and  
Kirk was afraid of Klingons.  
  
McCoy-That's the only time Kirk's ever going to be afraid of Klingons.  
  
Spock-That was a fascinating experience.  
  
McCoy-I disagree! Hah! That felt great! (McCoy starts to do a little victory dance,  
but trips and falls over) Oww.  
  
Kirk- (to Q) OK, get off my ship!  
  
Q-Fine, I'll give these notes to an author. I hope your story gets on a website  
somewhere. (Q disappears)  
  
Sulu-Good riddance!  
  
Narrator-Now about your promise, Kirk.  
  
Kirk-Nuts! I was hoping you'd forget!  
  
Narrator- You have to name a play the Adventures of the Narrator. I have to be  
the main character.  
  
Kirk-Hummmph! Fine, fine!  
  
(The Narrator leaves)  
  
Kirk-Well, I think now I get to conclude with a moral... Uh, any ideas?  
  
Chekov-How about: don't get into a Game Show unless you know what you're  
doing.  
  
McCoy-How about: Q is bad news.  
  
Kirk-Those are stupid! Never mind! Let's just end it so I can get Uhura to  
apologize to my mother.  
  
(Everyone smiles. minutes pass. Everyone is frozen)  
  
Kirk-(Through his teeth)Narrator! Say The End! My mouth hurts from smiling  
this stupid smile!  
  
Narrator-Oh, sorry. I had to get coffee. The End  
  
  
(A/N-I hope you liked it. Now(Waves a chain with a gem at the bottem in  
front of you)You are getting sleepy, verrrry sleepy. Now I'm going to  
count to 5, and when you wake up, you will review this chapter. I accept  
suggestions or (smiles) compliments. 1... 2....3....4...5!   
  
Now, a word to the reviewers:  
Tavia-Reading during Computer class? (Wags finger)Tut! Tut! Of course, I can't  
complain. I wrote my first draft of this during a boring Advisory class. I'm think  
of writing a story like yours were you just keep adding chapters. I figure it might  
be easier then writing a lot of stories. I got the Sock thing because I saw a story  
with that typo in it, were someone said Sock. At first I thougt that they meant the  
person called him Sock. I thought McCoy's reactions would be funny.  
  
Empress Leia-How mysterious. Fanfiction has amazing powers of ESP. What is  
the proverb in German?  
  
Taskemus-I think my stories are weird, in a funny way. I hope Fanfiction starts  
working for you. I want to read the endings of some of your stories.  
  
Lady Chekov-Oh.. naughty Star Trek. Stealing, are they? So I guess it really is a  
human proverb. McCoy wouldn't be happy. (Chekov's reaction to your review)   
Chekov-(Smiling)Lady Chekov? At last, someone who appreciates a Russian.  
  
Alainia-I'm glad you liked my acrostic disclaimer. 


End file.
